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Here is What You Men Should Know About Dating a Fat Girl

Dating has a long list of misconceptions and jealousies. Add a few extra pounds of fat to that experience, and bbw dating can get depressing real fast. As a single, fat, woman, I can’t tell you how often I’ve been questioned about my confidence, self-worth, who I am, and what I’m all about.

On the bright side, bbw dating has become more popular over the years and is now not considered taboo for those men who actually want to date large women. Here are some tips for those brave guys who want to show ‘society’ that being fat is not a disease we need to run from screaming:

Don’t Make Me Your Fetish

If literally the only reason you are interested in bbw dating is because I’m fat, you might want to back up a bit and get to know me first. I don’t mind if you are drawn to fat girls, or really even if you get certain pleasure from being with a bbw woman — but I don’t need that to be the first thing you tell me about yourself.

Guys seem to do this in a reassuring way. They may start the conversation with “I’m really into BBWs!” I think they do this as if it’s supposed to reassure me that they aren’t going to take one look at me naked and run. Or maybe he’s trying to suggest some kink; like to let me know that he wants to feed me and watch my weight go up. If he cares more about my weight than I do, that is going to be a problem.

Don’t tell me I’m not fat!

Guys who say this don’t necessarily have a problem with my weight — they just have a problem with fat people in general. When you say, “But you’re not fat!” Or worse, “Oh you’re so beautiful, smart, or sexy, for a fat girl…” all I hear is how much you hate fatness. I am fat. There is no denying that fact. When you tell me I’m not, what you are really saying is that despite my body size, I’m not all those horrible things you tend to associate with fatness like being the lazy, stupid, disgusting, slob who I expect fat people to be,” is not a compliment.

Don’t make assumptions about my former partners

Men tend to assume that because I’m on a bbw dating site that I haven’t dated a lot in my life — or the opposite, that I’m always up for casual sex because I’m desperate for attention. They often come into a relationship believing that my past partners have been abusive or unfaithful. Basically, that he’s arrived to save me from my terrible, sad, fat life.

I have experienced sexual assault and trauma in my life. A lot of fat women have – studies suggest that at least some cases of obesity are biologically related to childhood trauma — but I don’t need a guy to ‘shrink’ me, to explain to me why I’m fat, or to try and “fix” me somehow. I have a therapist, thanks.

Don’t Keep Me Hidden – Take me out!

I got over guys who wanted to sleep with me but weren’t willing to be seen in public with me a long time ago. I love Netflix as much as the next girl, but I also love art galleries and movie theaters and sports! And yes, I even enjoy going out for a good meal if you can manage not to make a big deal out of it.

Be aware of my discomfort

BBW dating is different than dating skinny women. There are some places, some days, when I just don’t want to interact with certain people or try to make my body fit into the world. Buses and taxis all the way to airplanes — can lead to downright uncomfortable environments. I’m not likely to fit on most of the rides at the amusement park and the thought of eating a meal sitting in a rickety plastic chair puts me on high alert, so don’t put me in those situations.

If I try to talk to you about fatphobia, discrimination, or about the challenges I face as a fat woman in the world, please don’t try to comfort me by telling me people don’t mean it, or that I’m misreading the situation, and the world isn’t out to get me. Fat hatred is malicious, and harmful and definitely real.

Please don’t try to pick me up – seriously, don’t

I don’t know what the deal is for guys who try to get me on their shoulders at concerts or attempt to lift me gently into bed. Are you trying to tell me that I’m “not that heavy”? Or are you trying to prove to yourself how much of a macho man you are? Don’t try it, it’s annoying and uncomfortable.

This doesn’t mean we can’t try new and interesting positions during sex. But it does mean I expect you to respect me and not throw me around in the bedroom without my permission. This sort of thing plays out much better when mutual consent is there.

Speaking of consent…

I’ve had people tell me quite plainly that they just know I’m more willing to concede to the sexual demands of a man because I’m fat; and obviously fat girls will do anything, because it’s so hard for us to the attention of a man.

Seriously?

Look, I’m comfortable with my body. I enjoy sex, I love meeting new people, and yes, making intimate connections. But, I also enjoy boundaries and people who know what affirmative consent looks like. If there’s an attraction between us, you’ll know it, and whatever desires should arrise, let’s talk about them first.

Don’t just assume I’m all in because I happen to enjoy sex and am fat.

Fat women aren’t strange submissive creatures — they’re women. Human. We lead complex, often rich lives. The best way to treat a fat woman? Like the individual she is.

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