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Fat and Dating Again at Middle Age

If you are plus size and dating you may find it is a little trickier to date online. That said, I am going to give some dating advice based on my experiences as a plus size, middle aged widowed woman looking for a relationship.

I have been “plus sized” my whole adult life and had an eating disorder in my teens so “fat” has been an issue I have had to struggle with since I was born. At age nineteen I decided that dieting just didn’t work and pretty much never looked back. That is not to say that I had never been told to lose weight by others or never wished I was born with better genes or that I didn’t try to convince others losing weight was pointless or that I didn’t cut some people out of my life for criticizing my size. I just never dieted again.

Here are some tips that I learned and want to share:

BBW dating at middle age

After my husband passed, and I was ready to start dating again, I realized that my size was going to be even more of an issue than it was when I was younger. I gained weight after I lost my husband, I was very sad and depressed and I guess I found comfort in food to help get over my grief. Even though I am heavier now, I am still able to function and lead a normal life. I just have a few more pounds to carry around. I am also tall so half of all men are shorter than me. I had heard that there are some men that prefer fat women and are not ashamed to admit it and they sounded like the kind of men that I would want to meet. These men are called “Fat Admirers” although many of them do not even know that term.

I wondered what the issues would be for me as a plus sized woman, and if bbw dating was a real thing or even possible. As usual, when faced with a problem, I went to the bookstore, now virtual, and found a book about fat and relationships called “Big, Big Love”

This book taught me a lot about the BBW/FA movement and gave some special advice on love making for bigger people. While the book does talk about physical intimacy, the discussion is of the scholarly textbook variety and was not offensive to me at all. The book also talked about how strange it was that 65% of us are fat but we are still often treated like second class citizens.

The best part of the book to me was that it said that 10% of all men are Fat Admirers,  i.e., they freely admit that they prefer women who are plus size. I did a quick survey on craigslist to see if I could get similar results. I searched on “BBW” in the relationship section of men for women. I did this in 2 cities. Both times I found that 10% of the ads did mention “BBW”. For every ad that say “No BBWs” there seems to be one that says “size is not an issue” so I think the stats are correct. One fat admirer activist claims that 65% of men are actually fat admirers since 65% of women are fat; can’t beat that logic. That means that 55% of them are closet fat admirers.

I tried Match.com and did not get many responses. They may have a BBW dating section, but let’s get real, they just say that because they are trying to get more members within a large demographic. When was the last time you saw a Match commercial that shows plus sized people finding love. I also had someone on OKCupid tell me I was cute but too tall. I am also middle aged. I know that middle aged women do not get hit on very much, especially women in their 50s. One stat I read said women get hit on vs. hitting on 17 to 1 at a young age and 1 to 2 by age 50. I wondered how much of the response was due to me being fat vs some other factor (height, looks, income etc). To find out about the fat issue, I signed up for a smaller BBW dating site. I did get a better response but I am not convinced that I am being judged on other things besides just my size which I have no control over.

I decided to give the exclusive bbw dating site my sole attention and did meet some true fat admirers. It was wonderful. I have been on some really good dates and met some really nice guys. Not only did they not shame me when I ate, but they loved my size and curves and one even commented how attracted he was to my belly! Now that was strange although I had read that it does happen so I was not totally shocked. Finding someone who prefers my body type is at the top of my list for the next relationship for sure and I am convinced that I will find love again through this bbw dating site!

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